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I admit I am an asshole but how can I get my fiancé to treat me better?
I have been the provider for my family. Including my fiancé who I have been with for over three years and my almost two yr old son. We have been going through some rough patches in our relationship the past couple of months. Our only car broke down 3 months ago and that has caused a whole lot of stress in our lives, limiting my work and income, we have been getting behind on bills but now catching up and everything is falling into place. I admit I am not the easiest person to talk to and I don't treat her like a queen, but she literally tells me she hates me, calls me a loser, worthless, piece of shit. You name it she calls me it every day. We can be having an amazing day and even an amazing night before but in an instant can just snap like a bipolar crazy person and honestly cannot handle stress for anything. We do have to ask her family for assistance quite often but never more than maybe 100$ at a time. Also my family helps out too when necessary. What should I do? I know I could spend more time with my son. I know I could respect her a lot more and I know I can be hard to talk to and I think I'm always right, which most of the time I have the facts to prove it. She thinks I lie about everything also when I have the facts or pictures with an exact times on them. I have never slapped her or punched her. I have held her when she gets out of control or when she is yelling violently and unnecessary but never ever do I cause bodily harm. Also in the almost four years we have been together I have only restrained her in a non violent way twice, honestly speaking. Is it wrong? What should I do? What do I say? What questions should I ask? Please someone help me. Also I have NEVER once told her I hate her, want to leave her or anything in that category. I have called her innapropriate names like "please stop acting like a bitch" and I have said words like cunt. I am not the best father/partner I could be and I know that but please give me some pointers or things I can do tonight.
Posted By : Joshuaowl2008 Date: 19 FEB 2016

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Hi Joshua 
I hope you were able to get help. While financial problems can put great strain on a relationship, from what you say, things are getting better and the style of communication has been going on a lot longer than the financial difficulties. 
We all bring the families we come from into any relationship we have. We tend to act the way we saw our parents do things. I like the Gottman method of relationship therapy and you can google John and Julie Gottman. they have a very helpful blog. In an article entitled the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse they list the 4 most damaging things to a relationship. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling which is emotional withdrawal. Also there is  a list called the 15 rules of fair fighting which comes from the family centre in Calgary. The two most important are no name calling and no bringing up the past. That is, no one is a poor mother or a poor father, a loser, a jerk or a pig. This only injects poison into a relationship and some of the things said during a fight can cause lasting hurts. It does take a willingness to change on both your parts, and it takes work to make lasting change. 
Response By: Janette Strokappe Date: 1 APR 2016

Hello J,
Thanks for contacting the proventherapy team with your need for professional assistance. I do understand that you are going through a tough time in life with regard to relationship and finance. The arguments and name calling have reduced the quality of your relationship with your partner. It also appears that lack of appreciation and respect make you think quite negative about yourself. It is time to find some help to deal with this issue. I am available to work with you. Kindly contact me for further discussion. 
Response By: Dr. Joseph George Date: 19 FEB 2016

Dear J,

Peace and tranquility for this day. It is an usual drift between the couple when the finance take a nosedive. I am at your service and you may fix a session according to  timezone and my availability in advance for handling this issue. Wish you the best compassion and love for your family. Thank you.


Response By: Jamal Hassan Date: 19 FEB 2016

I am very sorry you are having this situation.  You have reached out and that is a very good first step.  As much as you want a solution this evening, I'm sorry to say it will take more than just that.  As Linda has said you can only control your own behavior.  You mentioned you know you could be better with her and your son.  Start there, that is something that you know right now.  It is very hard to maintain composer when things go badly, and it sounds like you have done a good job with that.  Start with things you already know.  If you know that you could do things differently, that is a very good place to start.  Please remain positive.  We are here for you.  Take care   Tracie
Response By: Tracie Timme Date: 19 FEB 2016


You may be as you say, difficult to be with, however, you are only responsible for your behavior, and you can't control the way anyone else behaves. There are tools that you can learn to manage your stress and emotions especially when someone is not treating you with respect or appreciation. There are also ways to diffuse conflict and resolve problems instead of arguing  about the same thing.. There are also techniques to build and improve your relationship. Hopefully, you can be a positive model for changing what you have into more of what you want. Let me know if you have any questions.

Best of luck,

Response By: Linda Harris Date: 19 FEB 2016