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I gave birth to twins thirty-six years ago. A girl and a boy. At birth, The girl had no complications, however my son struggled for two minutes with no oxygen, born blue, then had jaundice and required extra days of hospitalization. He has no physical limitations however his mental ability has been labeled as mild-retardation. In school he struggled with all Academic classes, and has difficulty expressing his thoughts through communication. As an adolescent he could cope through daily activities, however I did find him always fidgety and unable to concentrate. I brought him to a Neurologist suspecting ADD, but because the Medications for ADD back then were so scary, we opted out. His Dad and I put him through a private school in order to seek the resources that he needed. He passed through school because of his large size and not because of grades. I could see that he was developing a behavioral attitude. He refused to do homework, he was angry all the time, He withdrew from crowds, his only friend was another student with his disabilities. He attended a public school for ninth- twelfth grade. As a teenager he loved sports and played city baseball which was coached by his dad. He made the high school football team because of his size, even Though he did not posses the needed skill. He was a well built, good looking senior. He graduated from High school with a certificate of participation, not a diploma. But he tells everyone to this day, including his kids, that he has a diploma. Because of his good looks, Girls were after him. One girl in particular liked him so much, she became pregnant with his child. He was not prepared to raise himself much less a baby. They lived with me for a while, He was given jobs by uncles and family members who were trying to help, but his learning skills always caused him problems and he would be released from the job. He would Always blame someone else for his dismissal. His dad was the cities volunteer fire chief so he got our son on as a volunteer firefighter. (His dad has since past on, but my son is recognized as a well liked firefighter. I think he has split personalities. ) Eight years ago he finally got on with a government job of cutting grass for our Parish in LA., not a high paying job, but a steady one with benefits. He and the mother of his child got married, and her parents, who are well-off, built them a house and we all wished them a great future together. But, all was not well....another baby came along, bills piled up, the wife gets news of a having a terrible medical condition, he has no compassion, he turns to more alcohol, his wife turns to another man, and now they are going through a divorce. My son is back living with me and we have the kids every other week. My thirty-six year old son has carried around an academic chip on his shoulders for years and is not willing to admit that he has a problem. He feels Everyone else is at fault. He drinks alcohol as a cop-out. Because of his lack of expression, His favorite words are "that's stupid", and "I don't care". He needs anger management. He does nothing to help me out at home financially or physically. Because of his lack of communication skills he refuses to talk to me about him seeking help. I don't know who to turn to. His twin sister has married and moved away. I feel so bad about calling her so often about his problems. She and I have become exasperated trying to find solutions. He has never been physically abusive to me, but I am tired of his lies and excuses. Can anyone please tell me what to do?
Posted By : MaddyMaw Date: 19 JUN 2015

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There is one crucial thing that you need to understand at this stage: you are close to burning out and it is just a matter of time before you collapse. Once that happens your son will be helpless. This is why YOU need to get help quickly in order to empower yourself to deal with your son. He is dysfunctional and you must address that problem, but as it is you are not ready to do so. It is you who needs counseling as your son cannot be counseled if he is uneilling or incompetent to talk to a counselor. The first challenge for you is to clarify your most important values in this situation and this will lead you to a decision which may resolve your situation. Please think about the following question: in the whole situation, what you would be most terrified to lose. Then give me a call if you like and we can talk about this. I have a slot tommorow evening. Aleksandar
Response By: Prof. Aleksandar Fatic Date: 19 JUN 2015

Good afternoon, 
As a mother to a son I empathize with you. I am sure you want what is best for your son. There is not one answer to your dilemma. This will take time to figure out the solution to your problem as we need to figure out what is best for you and your son. If you would like we can set up a time to discuss your issue and try to come up with a plan of action.

Warmly, Tamara.


Response By: Tamara Taylor, LPC, NCC, CHC Date: 19 JUN 2015

It's good that you are reaching out, but I am sorry to say, that if he is not ready or willing to have help, nothing you do or say will change the situation. He has to be the one who wants to get help. I am so very sorry that you have to go through this rough time. If you would like to chat about how to help get you though this, I am online now.  Please look through our wonderful therapists to find the right fit for your situation. We all would like to be able to help you with your situation. Please take care of yourself. Tracie
Response By: Tracie Timme Date: 19 JUN 2015

I am sorry to hear of all your pain and frustration. As a mother I can see you really care about your son.  There are many factors that play into this situation that need to be worked through.  I would be willing to work with you at a level in which you feel comfortable. Change is sometimes hard and scary but usually in the end very worthwhile.  You will likely hit many bumps along the way but you will also find peace as you start to work through this pain. If you are interested in working with me please let me know. 
Thank you
Kari
Response By: Kari Schulz Date: 19 JUN 2015

Hi MaddyMaw,

I am sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. It sounds like it's really been a long ride for you.  This is something that needs a lot more discussion. There is no magic solution I can offer you to turn things around. But I believe if we have a conversation about your situation and your options, we can find a way to improve upon the way things are.  Please be in touch if you'd like to talk or to set up a session for later.

Raffi
Response By: Raffi Bilek Date: 19 JUN 2015