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Marriage advice
Hi.

I didn't ever think that one day married life would be the way that it is right now.

I'm 25 years old, have my own business and am also a law student. I was in a relationship from 2011 with my now husband and have a 8 month old baby. When I found out that I was pregnant I had to get married according to my parents. I didn't have an issue with this because I knew that someday I wanted to marry him. Fyi, my parents did not like this guy from the start. We got married and stayed with my parents. My mother and him never get along. She has a very strong personality and so does he so there heads started to clash once he moved in with them.

He worked for a company earning and ok amount of money. However, his sales wasn't good and later found out that the company might let him go. I saw an ad online for a financial advisor, he applied and got the job before the other company let him go.

I decided that we should move out in order to save mine and his relationship with my parents so we got an apartment. My baby was born by this time. The apartment was newly painted so the paint smell was quite strong and I was concerned about my babies health. Also, my parents were concerned about the safety of the area that the apartment was situated in which to me wasn't dangerous at all. Anyways, they suggested that we move closer to them. They said that the current amount that we were paying at our apartment we must put towards our rent and the balance they will pay for as the area that they live is much more expensive than the area of our first apartment. My husband agreed to this and told my parents that he will pay back the excess money that they are going to pay.

We eventually moved into our new apartment. I noticed by this time that my husband had a lack of interest in life financially. The new apartment that we moved in had a problem with bugs so we went to stay with his parents. Prior to us getting married my father told me that he is going to build me a house close to them so once the house was built we were going to stop renting. We moved in with my in laws and I thought it was pointless getting another apartment since the house will be ready in a few months so we should rather save the rent money.

This was the biggest mistake of my life. After moving in with my inlaws my husband has become the most laziest unambitious person ever. As a financial advisor he has to make sure that he meets his target every month but he is just making it. He was so close to losing his job but still didn't learn from that. He has the odd meeting with a client here and there but other than that spends most of his time play FIFA, spending time on a fishing forum and now has taken a liking to online horse racing. He sits on his laptop almost the entire day. I have to tell to do this and do that for the baby. If I don't tell him he would never do it.

Staying with my inlaws is not nice at all. They don't treat me badly but they constantly tell me what to do with my daughter as if I don't know what I'm doing.

My husband gives a little money every month which I put away for furniture for the new house. I pay for almost everything for my daughter.

Today I had to clean our room myself as well as make babies milk and food. all he had to do was feed her. at times he cant even do that. gives his granny to feed baby. he just leaves all the bottles and bowels unwashed in the kitchen and goes back and sits on his laptop. I have to leave my studies, go wash everything and go back to studying.

It makes me hate him for how our life is right now. I told him that I want to move out and live like a normal family. he said we will when he gets money but how will he get money if hes sitting on his ass the entire day doing worthless things?

I feel like I married a loser.

I am so unhappy.

I feel like I should have just listened to my parents and stayed away from him in the beginning.

Please help!

 
Posted By : Tash Date: 16 APR 2016

If you are a therapist , Please login here to respond.
Hello Dear Tash,

Sorry to have seen your message after five days. I am sorry to hear your misery and empathize with your situation. I understand what you are going through right now. I am very happy to help you to deal with your current challenge, and help you move positively on the other side of the tunnel. I am a CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) Therapist. Lately, I am enjoying the application of NLP to help clients come through positively through their situations. No matter how bigger the challenge, you will always find  a beautiful alternative if you look at the situation with a different attitude. I would love to walk with you through this...and would love to chat with you more to learn about different ways in dealing with your situation.

Thanks

Stuti
Response By: Stuti Pardhe Date: 21 APR 2016

Hi Tash 
I think there are a number of things going on in the marriage. When parents start to criticize your choice of a partner, I always wonder if they have been equally hard on you through the years. Holding you to a very high standard. We all bring our own families into our marriages and we have to be careful about that. I wonder if your husband is depressed. 
How does his family treat him. What is he bringing into the marriage from his family. I would recommend counselling for the both of you. I realize that not all marriages last, but you have a little girl and for her sake I would work on the marriage before you call it quits. 
All the best, 
Response By: Janette Strokappe Date: 17 APR 2016

Dear Tash,

Two things in your description strike me at first glance: you appear extremely judgmental of your husband, and you constantly switch your perspective on your marriahe with that of your parents. That is a fairly certain way to ruin the marriage. Far more effort needs to be invested in the marriage for the sake of your daughter. She needs both her parents. In a few years both you and your husband will be more mature and hopefully less dependant on your families. At the moment the family's influence, however eell intentioned, is very bad for your marriage  
Response By: Prof. Aleksandar Fatic Date: 17 APR 2016

Hello Tash,

Thank you for reaching out to the proventherapy team with your need for professional assistance. The major issue you share in this writeup is your disappointment with your marriage as your partner is not doing enough to make you feel that there is companionship, care, and support from his side. Moving from one place to another, being dependent on others, and not making serious efforts to manage his job making your feel helpless and directionless. If you wish to talk to me further on the issue, kindly contact me. 

Response By: Dr. Joseph George Date: 17 APR 2016

Hi Tash,

There is obviously a lot going on for you here. I'm available tonight if you'd like to chat and try to start working towards a solution.

Raffi
Response By: Raffi Bilek Date: 16 APR 2016


Tash,
It is important that you took the first step in identifying your difficulties managing everything on
your own.  I'm hearing that you are taking on a lot of responsibilities at home and school, you're
seeming to feel alone in your experience.  I encourage you to review the different therapist and
talk more about what's going on in you. A marriage takes two and being able to communicate
with someone you are with is important in problem solving. It sounds like this is not a healthy
environment for you as you speak of the "hate" you are encountering for him.  We need to
decide what you need to do to feel more secure about the relationship.  Sometimes our
ability to detach from negative relationships might be one alternatives to saving us. If
you need to share further, I am here for you to listen.
Response By: Natasha Smith, MA, LCPC Date: 16 APR 2016

Hello Tash, I am very sorry to hear you are having such trouble.  It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and it is very hard to do alone.  Thank you for reaching out, we are here to help you.  Please look through all of our wonderful counselors to find a good fit for you.  Sharing a life with someone is supposed to be just that, sharing.  It really does sound like you need to get out of there to salvage what you have, providing that's what you both want.  Please let me know if you would like to chat with me.  I am in mountain time, just in case you would like to chat later.  Hang in there, stay positive, we are here for you.  Take care   Tracie
Response By: Tracie Timme Date: 16 APR 2016